How I learnt it was possible to breathe in an annoying manner.

Since birth, I have always been team nose-breathe. None of this loud, throat drying “breathing through the mouth” stuff that some people do and as a result, I didn’t think it was possible that I could annoy someone purely by breathing.

This wasn’t a strange thing for me to have believed, I had managed to exist for 25 years, without anyone telling me that I was annoying them purely with my bodies innate instinct to stay alive. I hadn’t even thought about my breathing before to be honest. It’s not something that you tend to think about is it.

Of course though, I was wrong and my breathing is actually one of the most annoying sounds on the entire planet.

The sound of finger nails scratching down a dusty chalkboard; yeah, that apparently has nothing on the sound of me prolonging my life for a couple of seconds longer.

What changed to make my breathing so bad, you ask. I got married.

Almost instantaneously, my breathing deteriorated to a level that could apparently bring the Dali-llama to an extreme rage. The worst part though, I must be suffering from some form of delusion because I have noticed absolutely no change in the way that I breathe and as far as I can tell, my breathing is exactly the same as it always has been. How crazy I must be.

Picture this, I am sat quietly in the car minding my own business when I lock eyes with my wife. I can tell that something is bothering her and whilst I debate whether I should ask or not, I can see that she is getting more and more frustrated. I throw it around my head a few more times and finally pluck up the courage to ask.

“Are you ok?”

“No”

“Whats wrong?”

“You know what”

I plead ignorance, with no idea what I possibly could have done, when finally she says, “Do you think that’s funny or are you actually trying to annoy me?”

I, of course, have no clue what she is on about. I am literally just sitting there minding my own business.

“Just stop breathing like that!”, she demands, much to my surprise.

“Like what”, I protest.

The rest of that car journey was filled with my wife explaining to me quite how annoying my breathing is. Of course, the more frustrated she was with it; the more I tried to make it sound better and, as a result, the worst it ended up sounding. I actually ended up giving off a sound that could only be likened to the sound that an asthmatic giant would make after running the London Marathon.

All of this culminated with a phrase I thought id never hear from my darling wife, “Just stop breathing!”.

Of course, I am sat here writing this so I obviously didn’t listen to her and I just carried on breathing, secretly pleased that I had found such an easy way to annoy her.

That is what married life is, I suppose, searching for newer and easier ways to annoy your significant other and what is easier than breathing.

The moral of this story, if there has to be one, is no matter how annoyed you are at something your loved one is doing. Do not tell them. Under no circumstances must they learn of your annoyance, otherwise they will definitely find unparalleled delight in their new found ability.

6 comments

  1. I too have the annoyance super power. Perhaps we should start an evil super annoying crime syndicate and unleash our wrath upon unsuspecting wives everywhere…

    Like

  2. I’m dying! Ahhhhahaha. Yes, so relatable. I’m telling you what, at certain times, the smallest things super annoy me! I kid you not. My poor husband.
    P.S. Love the idea of the supervillain that’s super annoying. But I bet you already know why. I dare you two to write something like that. It’s wonderfully entertaining and I bet y’all would do it justice.

    Like

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