No matter what you are told, married life is not just cuddles, kisses and love. Marriage can be brutal. This boils down to the fact that if you look at any couple, one of them is almost definitely a man child. In my marriage the unwanted man child title falls to me.
(Me and my wife on our wedding day).
One thing that you must understand about a man child is that they are usually able to single handedly finish any argument, almost as quickly as they manage to start it. This can be a blessing and a curse.
Let me set the scene. Me and the wife are about three hours into a blazing argument, which was probably started over absolutely nothing. I was on my A game and despite a strong start from the wife, I had just equalised and was pushing for the win.
But then I did something very stupid. I managed to spectacularly lose a very winnable argument with five little words. Five words that will haunt me until the day I die. Words that my wife likes to smugly remind me of at any opportunity that she gets.
I was in the process of storming up the stairs. Hitting my heels into every step for extra effect, when I decided that I needed to fill the silence. I wracked my brain, trying to think of the best response to her last comment and then before I had time to really think about them, the words left my mouth.
“You stupid person, smelly person!”.
Instantaneously, I knew that the battle had been lost. Every thread of credibility wiped out in seconds. I had become a child.
I looked down at my wife, who by this point was on the floor in hysterics, and I let out a sigh. She was never going to let me live this one down. I do not remember the end of the argument, but it is probably safe to say that I never found my way back from my two seconds of stupidity and lost the argument spectacularly
Fast forward a year or two and the phrase ‘stupid person, smelly person’ has become a loving pet name, which my wife regularly calls me. She says that this is out of affection, but I am not so sure.
Due to her incessant need to address me in this way and because of the many questions this creates, I am now forced to sit through regular recreations of the story, to pretty much everyone we know and the story gets more and more dramatic every time that she tells it.
There is nothing more painful than having everybody you ever meet know that the best insult that you can think of at a time of heightened tension is; you stupid person, smelly person. Immediately after hearing the story and almost as quickly as my manliness disappears, you can see the pity actually forming in their eyes. This is usually followed by something along the lines of, “aaah, how cute”.
Nothing in the world compares to the shame that this story brings me.
I hope you learn two lessons from this story:
1) Think before you speak.
2) Just don’t speak.
In other news, I have just discovered that it is impossible to grow a beard and to still enjoy ice cream. But you can read more on that here.